What Hurts The Most
by Du Silbena Datia
Summary: A look at Finchel since 2x10 through Finn's eyes. It hurts to look at her. It hurts to be in the same room as her. It hurts to even think her name. But what hurts the most is going without her.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Ok, so this entire thing has been plaguing me all day and I just had to let it out. Do not worry, my She's Through With readers. I will be updating that soon. I just had to get this idea out of my head. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.**

He's never hurt so much in his life.

Not when he thought Glee club would be disbanded. Not when he was kicked off the football team. Not even Babygate hurt him this much. Nothing had ever prepared him for the overwhelming heartbreak he felt when Rachel told him she made out with Puck.

God, even just _thinking_ her _name_ made him want to break down and sob like a freaking baby. He couldn't even do that though. Because he's the quarterback and co-captain of the Glee club (_and Christ, so is she, they're co-captains together and together is just something he can't be with her right now_) and he can't lose his cool. He's gotta be a leader and in charge and shit, so he pushes away his feelings, his emotions, and tells himself to grow up, get over it, get over _her_, they're over and done and he's not gonna be with her again. And he thinks he's got it together, at least on the outside, but she keeps chasing after him and he knows he can't take much more. So even though it kills him to push her even further away he tells her to back off, because he knows he'll lose it sooner or later.

She does, and isn't it supposed to feel good, knowing that she can't suffocate him anymore? It should, but it doesn't. He finds himself missing her more than ever, finds himself seeing her, seeing them sucking face every damn time he closes his eyes and he wakes up in the middle of the night, cheeks wet with tears and arms reaching for her, because they used to sleep next to each other and he misses her warmth. He realizes what he's doing, and he kicks himself angrily and punches his pillow and tries desperately to get some sleep. It's not the same though. Nothing is.

She sings a duet with Puck. She sings a duet with Puck all about needing him or some shit, and he's so jealous he's about to explode, and he tries to tell himself he doesn't care because she doesn't care, because she doesn't love him (_he knows it's all so untrue._)

The Glee girls all join the football team, and he's never been more terrified in his life. And it's mainly about her. Sure he cares about the others, but God she's so small. She is so small and she could easily get hurt and he vows that he is not going to let anyone on that field touch her (_or the others, of course._)

They win, and then Quinn kisses him, and he's more confused than ever. She's dating Sam though, isn't she? He may not have been exactly on the best terms with the guy all the time, but still he was a cool dude and cheating wasn't cool. He knew that firsthand. But Quinn is kissing him and it feels good and distracted him and reminded him of the way things were, before her, and he just can't help going after her. Maybe she can help him forget all of his pain. Maybe, just maybe…

And it's thrilling, sneaking around with Quinn behind Sam's back. For once, it feels good to be the one someone is cheating with, instead of being the one cheated on. But then he gets this stupid idea that a kissing booth would be a good idea. Because if one girl can make him forget, even for a little, imagine what a whole bunch of girls could do. Maybe he could forget entirely. Deep down, he knows he doesn't really want to, but everything still hurts so bad that he can't help but try. The girls are all desperate to kiss him now that he's a big football hero, and they all eagerly wait at the booth clinging to the dollar bills. He kisses each one of them, and the pain lessens, if only a little bit, because he knows he's finally not second best. But he doesn't really _feel_ anything. That one's too tall, another's hair is too dull and her eyes were too close, and another's lips just felt all wrong against his, he thinks, and then he stops with a groan because he realizes what he is doing. He's comparing them all to her, and that is not the way to go if he wants to get over her.

Then she's there. She's standing right in front of him, closer than they've been in weeks, and dammit she still takes his breath away because her hair is all curly and shiny and he just wants to get his fingers tangled in it and her lips are full and curved upward in a tiny hopeful smile and he just wants to kiss her so badly, dollar or no, and her eyes are so wide and goddamn beautiful he just wants to drown himself in them forever. He has to reprimand himself again because he can't go thinking about his ex like that if he wanted to stay sane. She's talking now, and God he's missed her voice and how freaking comforting and familiar it is. He can't help but hurt again as she says he's over him and that the only reason she's there is for charity. So he takes her money and now he's supposed to kiss her, but he just fucking can't because he's still hurting. He kisses her cheek instead and she gets all defensive about it and what happened to charity? he thinks. He pulls her aside to talk and even though he doesn't care, because he's not supposed to care, he gives her her Christmas present, and all of a sudden words are pouring from his mouth and he just wants her to move on because she's clearly not over him. And it kills him to do it, but he tells her he's holding her back and that's why they can't be together. But she looks so damn adorable with that gold star necklace around her neck that he can't help but grin slightly at her before she walks off.

Then suddenly Santana is there and he can't help his jaw dropping because even though she's not her and she was essentially the cause of his catastrophic love life, he can't deny that she looks good in that nurse's outfit of hers. She plants one on him, and it may just be one of the hottest kisses of his life. Her comments confuse him, but he's not really thinking about them right now because there are too many other confusing things on his brain.

He meets Quinn in the auditorium, and they kiss again, and it's a lot more than a chaste little peck, and he doesn't know what the hell he's doing. All he knows is that he's more messed up than ever.

He lies in bed that night, and for the first time in a while he tries to sort out his feelings. He's not mad at her (_how could he ever be? She's Rachel_ (and yes, he can finally think her name). _She's Rachel, and it's impossible for Finn to be mad at Rachel_), but he sure as hell doesn't want to get back with her. He's still hurting, and nothing seems to be changing anytime soon. He doesn't understand why he can't just get over her like he wants to so badly (_he knows deep down it's cause he still loves her. He just can't admit it to himself.)_

He wakes up the next morning feeling like absolute shit, but he still goes into school because he's like a leader and the football team and Glee club need him there. He's not the only one looking crappy: Quinn looks as bad as he feels and then oh God Santana is pointing out symptoms of mono and how he and Quinn both shared the symptoms and fuck fuck fuck what if Sam found out (_and worse what if Rachel did_)?

They both end up at the nurse waiting for their moms and Quinn is talking about how cheating screwed her over and he lays there and bitterly thinks cheating is the fucking worst, and he should've known better.

Next thing he realizes someone is dabbing at his head. He opens his eyes and Quinn is gone and Rachel is there and his heart stops because she's so damn beautiful and she doesn't even know it. She says it herself and before he knows it he's telling her that and now she's denying it without actually denying and he just wants to yell at her because she's being so thickheaded and why can't she see what he saw?

She wants to know about kissing Quinn, and he's confused. Why does she want to know that? She's not like, gay for Quinn now or anything right? But he takes a moment to think about it, and says "Fireworks." He knows it's supposed to be a good thing, but didn't fireworks just disappear after a really short amount of time? They did, and the feeling he got kissing Quinn did too. Then Rachel is asking about what he felt kissing her, and suddenly he's swept back into these memories, and he finally lets himself remember their time together. And he's missed it so much and he's lost in how good he felt that he takes too long to answer and she assumes the worst. He almost tells her then, that he's still in love with her, but it wouldn't fix anything and he couldn't stand making himself that vulnerable again, because she didn't love him back.

They share one last look before she leaves, and he feels something and he knows he's forgiven her. He can't not forgive her, because she's Rachel Berry and even though she screws up a lot—hell, they both do—he loves her but he can't do anything about it because she's moved on, and besides she never loved him in the first place (_but why would she have insisted on getting him back if she didn't love him?_).

He keeps pursuing Quinn, because he wants to get over this unrequited love. It's not what he wants, but he's making Quinn happy and he's making Rachel happy, and that's far more important than his own happiness (_although he can't be 100% certain that she really is happy._)

Rachel suggests original songs, and he wants to agree so badly but he knows she'll still be shot down. He encourages her to write them her own and shove it down everyone else's throats when they are kickass songs. She tentatively suggests writing them together, and he wants to say yes so badly he nearly falls over it hits him so hard. But he knows she has to be the one to do it, and on her own, so he tells her. He makes an offhand comment about the return of the old Rachel Berry and how much he liked it, but he only did it to make her smile because she needed it. He loved any Rachel Berry she threw his way because she was her and he loved her no matter what she did, even when she broke his heart.

One day he walked in on Rachel practicing her song. Somehow they had worked their way into a cautious friendship and he was so freaking psyched that she wanted him to hear her song first. But then she hugged him, and his heart started beating so fast it nearly exploded out of his chest. He was such a freaking wuss, but he couldn't help it. After so many months, he was finally holding her in his arms again and God how he had missed how she just fit into his arms. Quinn didn't fit into his arms. Why the hell was he still with Quinn anyway?

He sat on a chair in front of her, and she started singing and there was her voice again, her angelic voice, the reason he had fallen in love in the first place, and he was so lost in her voice that it took him two full minutes to realize that she was singing about her freaking headband. He stopped her and had to tell her it sucked, because songs needed to mean something. Somehow it got onto how she had never even had alcohol and for some reason he thought that was why he had never gotten past second base and then he was thinking about his hand on her boob and he was suddenly thinking about their relationship again and when he figured out he could kiss her right then and there she was blabbering about how she needed to find Puckerman because she was going to live and then she was practically skipping out of the choir room and he couldn't help but check out her ass, not even caring that Brad the piano dude was in the room.

He couldn't remember much about Rachel's party. Not because he had gotten drunk, because he didn't. He just couldn't get the image of Rachel kissing Blaine out of his head. It was burned behind his eyes, replacing the image of her and Puck making out and he couldn't help but wonder if one day she'd ever kiss him like that again, or even just kiss him again.

Why the hell was he still with Quinn? Why why why why why? During Ms Holliday's really sexy song about touching someone, he couldn't stop looking at Rachel. It helped that she and Quinn were kinda buddy buddy so he could cover it up by staring at Quinn, but he just wanted Rachel.

It happened again when Ms Holliday and Santana and Brittany sang Landslide. He turned his head and looked right at Rachel, wishing he was up there singing the lyrics to her. He had built his life around her, for so long, and changing out of that routine absolutely terrified him. He needed her.

It was Regionals, finally Regionals, and he had a plan. Last year he had told Rachel he loved her and he was going to do it again this year and fix everything between them. Then Mr. Schuester announced they would be using Rachel's original songs, and he was so damn proud of her that he picked her up in a hug and swung her around in a circle. Their eyes met and he was met again with a strong urge to kiss her, not caring if everyone else saw. He just wanted to kiss her with everything he had. And he was going to, if only she hadn't cleared her throat awkwardly and squirmed gently out of his arms. He set her down regretfully, but grinned back when she smiled at him. He caught Quinn glaring, but he didn't care. Ok, yes he had slept with Quinn (_something he pushed out of his head with a guilty cringe._), but it was like Santana all over again. And like with Santana, he had said Rachel's name in the middle of the second round, and Quinn broke up with him. Not like he cared.

He was confused though. Rachel said she had two songs they were going to use, but the club had only been taught one of them. And it was amazing. She was talented. Tina asked what the other was, but Rachel only smiled and said it was a solo and she wanted to keep it a secret until the competition. After a pause she added, "Except for Santana. I want Santana to sing back up for me," and she smiled at the shocked Latina, who just nodded. Everyone was particularly stunned, except for Schue, who just smiled a little knowing smile.

They were at the competition, and Rachel was about to go on stage with Santana to sing her solo. She stood next to him and right before she turned and looked up and says she wants him to listen closely because she means every word. He just nods with a lump in his throat, because he can't find any words to say.

She steps out on stage and sits at the piano and she starts playing and singing and her voice immediately captures everyone's attention. He listens closely to the lyrics and he's just about to cry, because basically she's saying she fucks up without meaning to and how she's only trying to do good and wondering when she's going to get it right, and he's so fucking proud of her because she's written a beautiful and touching song and he knows without having to perform the other numbers that they are going to win, because they have her and she's done so much for them that they just can't lose.

He looks around at the rest of the Glee club and they're all wiping tears from their eyes because they're proud of her too, and they know it applies to all of them as well and without speaking they all agree that Rachel doesn't need to try anymore, because she never did anything wrong in the first place, and if she had then that song had made it up to all of them right then and there.

They meet the two girls out on stage, and the entire group embraces in a Glee group hug, and they perform their other numbers and then they are waiting apprehensively and then they _won_ and then everything was so perfect and he couldn't resist: he pulled Rachel to him and he kissed her with everything he had.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So last chapter was basically a run down of the past five episodes and my ideas for the sixth. Now here comes the idea that I had today that I couldn't stop thinking about.**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own Glee.**

There's a week long spring break after Regionals, and he has to spend it with his mom and Burt and Kurt, and he loves them and all, but he'd really rather just be with Rachel. Or at least be able to call her, which he can't because he's camping. He knows they need to talk about where they stand and stuff, especially since they hadn't gotten to after the competition. Even when they snuck a chance Rachel had been really quiet which was not like her, but it was okay because he got to be with her.

They got back real late on Sunday night, and he rushed up to his room to grab his cell and call her. He tapped his fingers impatiently on his knee as the phone rang, but she didn't pick up. He was disappointed, but it was late and Rachel loved her beauty rest. So he hopped in bed and fell asleep and for the first time in a long time he was able to get a peaceful night of sleep.

He walked into school the next day with this huge smile on his face. He's making his way to Rachel's locker and then he's there but she's not, because that can't be Rachel, because Rachel doesn't wear dark skinny jeans and Santana-like jackets and boots that hug her calves. But then this girl turns and it's so Rachel and she looks hot but she doesn't look like herself. He starts over to her and is standing in front of her and she looks up and her smile falters ever so slightly, and before he can say anything some beach blond stud who looks real familiar is wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her right at that spot she always liked, the one behind her ear where her earlobe and head meet. His heart drops a thousand stories when she swivels and pecks him on the mouth. When did this happen? When did she finally move on from him? And why, why didn't she say something?

She looks back at him and bites her lip before introducing the guy as Ben, and the name and face click. The guy's on the swim team, and he looks it too, with that hair, those eyes, and probably his abs as well. She's whispering into his ear that she'll catch up with him later, she just has to talk to him for a minute. He watches in utter despair as they share a loving kiss before Ben is giving him a friendly pat on the back and she's left facing him and him her. She starts babbling before he can even open his mouth, and God how he missed her doing that, but it didn't matter anymore because he was wrong. He had thought she still loved him, and he was wrong.

He held up a hand to stop her tirade, and she immediately fell silent, watching him with wide eyes. He licks his lips nervously and asks when. She looks hesitant and he thinks she won't respond but she's saying that he asked her out right after they performed Sing. His eyes closed as he brokenly asks when she had planned on telling him. He heard her suck in a breath to speak but he was so upset his eyes fly open and he punches the lockers next to her. She jumps, and she looks scared, and he wishes he wasn't the one to make her look like that. He wishes no one would ever make her look like that. Suddenly everything is pouring out of his mouth in his typical word vomit and he's saying something about how he can't take it anymore and how he just can't deal with her breaking his heart all the time, and now she's yelling about how it wasn't his business who she dated and that it had seemed he had made it perfectly clear he didn't love her anymore and—

He suddenly crumpled, and she stopped mid sentence, a look of concern spreading across her features. He asks her if she really believed for one second that he ever stopped loving her, because he had always loved her and he always would love her. He turned away, feeling more dejected then ever. He pauses, then a second later turns back to her and asks if she's happy. He needs her to be happy. No matter what, that's what matters most. She hesitates, and then nods. He nods too, then whispers, "Stay happy, Rach." And then she's left standing by her locker, wearing the most confused and hopeless look ever seen.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Still not owning Glee.**

He makes his way to the choir room, refusing to let himself break down because he's a dude and dudes don't do that. He grimaced with relief when no one seemed to be present in the room and plopped down on the piano bench and let his head fall into his hands. He couldn't believe that he had fucked up so badly, that he had let her go again and he wanted to kick himself because this time it seemed unlikely that he would ever get her back. And now, because he didn't have the courage to man up and swallow his pride, he had to endure seeing _his_ Rachel in the arms of some other guy, and it was his fault. And she wasn't _his _Rachel anymore. She didn't even dress like Rachel anymore. What the fuck was with her outfit, anyway?

The sound of a throat being cleared came from the doorway and he turned and almost let out a groan because of course it had to be her. It just had to be her to find him when he was _thisclose_ to just losing it. They stood watching each other, and then all of a sudden she turned into Mr. Schue's office and he's really confused and then even more so when she exits holding a first aid kit and sits on the bench next to him. She sets the kit on her lap then opens it and takes his hand in hers and he's not breathing and wondering what the hell is going on when he spots the blood on his knuckles. Oh right. He punched a locker. He hadn't even felt anything.

They sat in an awkward silence as Rachel bandaged his hand. After a while he couldn't take the quiet and asked what was up with her clothes. She launched into some story about how the football team had decided to slushie her more than usual today and she didn't have any extra clothes so she borrowed things from the Glee girls. A corner of his mouth twitched up in his infamous half smile because she hasn't changed from her normal clothes, and because the Glee girls let her borrow clothes, which meant they were friends, and he knew that having friends meant the world to her. She had always tried so hard for friends and now she had them and it was because of that song of hers, the one that had touched every single person's heart. The song that got them to Nationals. The song she had written for him.

The smile slid off his face and she noticed and she lost hers too and before he could stop himself he was asking why she was still with what's-his-face, Ben, because she had written that song for him and they kissed at Regionals and shouldn't that mean that they were back together?

She's shaking her head sadly and saying she can't expect platonic kisses such as that to get her hopes up and now he's cutting in asking how the fuck that was platonic. She bites her lip and says in a shaky voice that he was just caught up in the moment, and that it didn't mean anything. He's so beyond pissed now, though not at her, but at himself, because he'd have to have been a real douche to her to make her think that kiss was anything less to him than it was. He tells her that. He tells her it meant everything to him, because she meant everything to him and that nothing would be changing anytime soon.

She draws in a ragged breath and looks like she is about to cry and he hates himself again. God, why is he always making her cry? She wants a chance to move on, she says, just like he got a chance to move on with Quinn and maybe for once have a relationship that isn't involved with Glee, because that's all she's had and maybe she just needs something new.

He _still_ doesn't get it; cause if they both feel the same way there shouldn't be a need for moving on, right? They should be together. And now she's whispering that she doesn't know if they can, because no one is supposed to get more than a second chance and they've already had their two and she's afraid that it just won't work out. That's bullshit, he tells her forcefully, and she jumps slightly at the outburst but it _is _bullshit, because if people only get second chances than how can the third time be the charm? He believes that, that the third time will be the charm. It has to be.

She takes a deep breath and he's holding his own and then she says she would be willing to maybe try again and his heart is about to burst he's so fucking happy but before he can sweep her off her feet she continues and says she still needs some time away from him like that. She says that they needed a chance to grow up because they felt this grown up kind of love for each other (_and he nearly fucking dies because she just about says the words 'I love you.')_ but they were still just kids and they needed some time to learn how to be themselves before they can be them again, be Finchel again.

He's not going to lie, he's a bit disappointed, but he reminds himself he should be happy because he gets another chance. Maybe it's not in the way he was looking for, but it was damn well good enough for now. Before he talks himself out of it, and before she can object, he leans over and captures her lips between his. They find themselves relaxing into each other, his hands splayed across her lower back and hers behind his neck and they still freaking fit together and he's about to explode, whether from love or lack of oxygen, he didn't know. She pulled apart, and he's pleased to note that it's a rather reluctant move, and they smile softly at each other before the other Glee kids are filing into the room. They sit on opposite sides of the room and avoid speaking to each other for all of rehearsal, but they sneak peeks at each other from the corners of their eyes and he thinks that maybe it's not perfect, but it's a whole hell of a lot better than fireworks.

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed that! I know I did! I actually like the ending so much I considered leaving it off like that…but then I remembered all the things I have planned for this fic. So on it goes. Stay tuned!**


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